Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
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Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they’ve seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I’m gonna take a pass