I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
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HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
no
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
then why did i get this email
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Monday?
No. Next question.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back