@MrGeorgeWallace

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

You Might Also Like

@DothTheDoth

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

@rzarosco

Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they’ve seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions

@EndhooS

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

@ManiacallySound

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.

@krisv_723

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

@Marlebean

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

@mrkoodge

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

@briangaar

Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I’m gonna take a pass