I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.


Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they’ve seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions


[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.


I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.


Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.


*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*


Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I’m gonna take a pass