Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

me as a parent

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.