Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

The French word for sex is croissant.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news