I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
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Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.