Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

Me too 😆

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.