Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

‘I know a black person’

– White people

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

It’s a gift

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

my dog when i have a friend over

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?