Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

This was a bad idea all around

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]