I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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Breaking news:
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
SONOFA
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry