i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.