Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

Body by cheese-puffs.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook