Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

I’m ready to try another planet.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

It’s that simple 👊🏻

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Don’t snitch tag.