I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
You Might Also Like
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
japanese corn
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal