Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.