Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wolf of Wall Street.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*