I said “cool tattoo” to be nice not because I wanted to hear the 45 minute origin story.
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HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.