I said “cool tattoo” to be nice not because I wanted to hear the 45 minute origin story.
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!