I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater