Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

me irl

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.