ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!
Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
*picks up frog*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*