@JohnLyonTweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

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@panmidwest

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

@sixfootcandy

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

@kimlockhartga

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

@Mirimade

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

@ThisOneSayz

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

@TheDreamGhoul

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

@LizHackett

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

@fro_vo

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*