I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
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*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.