I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.