I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
moms in horror movies
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”