I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
WHO DID THIS?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.