Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
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Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I’m poorly describing that you’ve never seen or heard of before?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Me: I’m hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103!
911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭