I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

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I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.


ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled


{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*


Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”


FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time


My all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems


so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha


The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.