Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ibopfufen

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.