Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

sin harder.

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school