Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?