Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

By Kate Hatos

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!