i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
same vibe as tangled headphones
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie