i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
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Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Ghost costume 😂
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.