I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
You Might Also Like
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
If you know, you know
me at the job i begged god for
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.