I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Respect
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
my favorite genre of twitter
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.