I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
this is 10/10 content no notes
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons