I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Home is where your toilet is.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.