Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

i will not be silenced