Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

shakira sharkira

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed

Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.