i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
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Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron