I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
A small tragedy.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh