I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
The dark side of Canada
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’