I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
💻🤡
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
They did not miss in the small print
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone