Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

well this is just bullshirt

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk