I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
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My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
#TopTip
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*