I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
jesus, what did this guy do
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda