I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.