i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
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[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast