i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
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I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I don’t get marriage
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow