Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

meow

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.