I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Terribly Tuesday.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal