I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
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“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.