Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

My beach vacation Google searches

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”