Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

cat vs inanimate object

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

My life in a nutshell

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird