i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
sometimes we need to be reminded
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
