Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.
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Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Sometimes you can’t just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.
Which is why I’m having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.
Eat your fruits and veggies kids!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better
*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*
If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.