@Kendragarden

I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.

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@kacisuewho

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

@margolundy

Life dull? Add ‘or die trying’ to every statement. “I’m gonna pick up milk on the way home OR DIE TRYING.” Instant excitement.

@Ygrene

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

@dshack8

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

@Divergentmama

Sometimes you can’t just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.

Which is why I’m having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.

Eat your fruits and veggies kids!

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

@Mr_Kapowski

[Grandma’s funeral]

GIRL: *crying*

BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better

*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*

@senderblock23

If you love something, let it go. Unless that thing is a cat. Your cat will not come back.

@ddsmidt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

@theroyaltramp

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.