Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
You Might Also Like
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision