I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.

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[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”


Wife – remember to compliment the host


Me – your wife is hot


* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead


I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.


You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong


I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.


I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.