@Kendragarden

I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.

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@Mr_Kapowski

[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”

@BigJDubz

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

@TheAlexP

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

@hazelmotes1

I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.

@captainkalvis

You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong

@HatfieldAnne

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

@MichaelLarrick

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.