Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever