I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I just tested negative for patience.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?