Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart