I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
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I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
That de-escalated quickly
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
first you must answer his riddles
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.