I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
