I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
pls suprot
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
