I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
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I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
This is a bad sign
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers