I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

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Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!


Bread goes in, toast comes out. EXPLAIN THAT, ATHEISTS!


…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.


She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.


It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible


Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”


[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine


My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.


Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.