@AndLookPretty

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

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@Reverend_Scott

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

@SideBurny

Bread goes in, toast comes out. EXPLAIN THAT, ATHEISTS!

@Beatonm5

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

@iGreenGod

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

@PaperWash

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

@Home_Halfway

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

@david8hughes

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

@notmythirdrodeo

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

@realHamOnWry

Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.