Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.