I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
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It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
