I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.