I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
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“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident