I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I hate my earbuds.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
