I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
