I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
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[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.