i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
You Might Also Like
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.